The art of writing plays for money

I am a local Twin Cities playwright. That you have never heard of. Here is why... Most writers write for fun. I write for money. (It’s still fun, but, hey... money.) Writing for cash, checks and moo-ola is a whole different creature, because from the start you will have a client. And clients want things, need things for their money. When you write for yourself, for fun or for your friends (or your church-based barbershop gospel quartet), you get to pick the topic, the length and all the details. And take some time to get it right. Me? I get told all the details at the beginning and write to specifications. Which is a whole different ball of cheese. My clients are very specific, very detailed. And very, very deadline oriented. They dictate quite clearly in the contract play length, content, use, rights, and details like number of characters. (Aside: Few for commercial productions, many for school shows, because commercial shows have to pay actors, so fewer is better, whereas schools like lots of actors on the stage, because it means lots of parents in the audience.) I do just two things well. Comedy and speed. I can do funny for any audience – jokes, characters, physical comedy. And I can write a show really fast. Like the poster says, you can have any two: Fast, funny or socially relevant. My shows are not deep. They are fun. They are lively and stuffed with subtle cultural references. I do radio, I do dinner theater, I do corporate... again, not because I love these areas, but because they pay. (Actually I love most types of theater; it’s been my livelihood for over twenty years.) My father has recommended that I get cards saying “Emergency playwright,” because that is what I do. (After a few calls like the one below, I actually had them printed.) My career was a few shows in when I got this call: “Hey, Dave. We have an opening night, title, have sold tickets and are ready to go – except for one thing. We don't have a show. Kinda dropped the ball on that one. No script, no actors, no nothin'. You have 15 days. Can you do it?” I said yes. We opened the show 15 days after the contract, and... no one in the audience knew. It wasn't a perfect show. There were some plot holes. And lots of singing and dancing and juggling. The tech rehearsal was an absolute mess. But we pulled it off. (Thanks to actors who are brave and resourceful!) And they hired me back the year after. That was not the first or last time that someone called with a show emergency. I need more characters! More jokes! Make this dammed thing work! By Monday! (Yes, I did a one-act in four days.) There is nothing wrong with art. But I work in the world of commercial theater, which means each show has a specific, business reason for existing. (It’s not always making money, but there is a business reason.) Art sometimes makes money, but that’s not the reason to do it. Know your purpose, your goal. Don't serve two masters – while it might be funny, you will drive yourself crazy. Fun is a good reason to do a show, so is changing the world. I write shows. It’s fun. But one important lesson I have learned over and over is – Know why. Know, going in to any project, what the goal is. There are many right answers, but it’s rarely as simple as “make great theater.” My rules of play writing: 1. It takes a lot of people to put on a play. And a lot of time. And the words "a lot." 2. Don't tell the director what to do. Except in the text. 3. Seven re-writes. On average. 4. Don't tell the actors what to do. Except in the text. 5. Be kind to your actors. Big text. Clear directions. Numbered pages. Cookies. 6. Your printer will break. And run out of ink. It is the spawn of the devil. A lot. 7. If you write jokes into the script, ensure that they are funny. 8. One double spaced page in 12- or 14-point type is about one minute on stage. 9. Be consistent. 10. By god, nail the ending. If the last line doesn't get applause, you're doing it wrong. 11. In the end, play writing pays better than poetry, worse than everything else. But sitting in a dark theater hearing the laughs, the magic and the applause? Worth it.